Father's Day

Happy Father's Day to Andrew! He was able to spend some snuggle time with Will today before we went to lunch at his parents' house. Will was awake for some of the time but fell asleep before we left. Andrew noticed that Will felt heavier today but it's still a little scary to hold him (he's still 3 pounds lighter than Libby was when she was born). Tonight he is 5 grams shy of 5 lbs, 6 oz. He hasn't had any low heart rates since last night at 3 am and he did great today at 9 am and 3 pm when I was there to nurse him. I do feel like it's clicking for him and have noticed over that last 24 hours that he's a different baby when it's time to eat. That's an answer to the prayers we've been saying for him.

"God made you to take care of His little Will and you're going to do the best job."

How is it that on a day when I am sure that there are many people who could do this better than me, a friend writes this line to me in an email? And now, as I read it over and over, I feel such gratitude that I get to be Will's mom. It's hard to sort out all of my emotions about our present situation. Because there is so much responsibility and procedure just to be with him, because we have quite a few unknowns that give us reasons to fear, I've missed out on the wonder of it all. I've been so thankful that he's alive and growing but being overwhelmed by gratefulness because he was entrusted to us hadn't surfaced until tonight. And I know this will be hard to believe, but I am all welled up about it.
Will's big schedule for this week includes circumcision at midweek and then maybe his ultrasound at the end of the week. His ultrasound is something that is constantly on our minds but unless they find something drastically different (like cysts or an expanded bright area), we won't actually know what the brightness means. He will be followed closely for development over the next two years visiting the pediatric neurologist every six months and having someone come to the house for occupational, physical and speech therapy through that same time period. He could grow out of the brightness as babies' brains can regenerate and heal; he could have serious complications. We are praying that brightness will be gone; his doctors and nurse practitioner have prepared us to see a similar ultrasound because not a lot changes in a month.

We do try to make the choice daily to trust God's plan for Will and our family but it is a choice. If we didn't decide to do that, the days would be long and plagued with fear. Psalm 62:8 says, "Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge."And so we do pour out our hearts to Him, asking for refuge against fear and worry and our lack of control. Of course, as I fumble through this choice of trusting Him for what seems like minute-by-minute comfort, I am thankful for so many of you who are praying for our strength and steadfastness. We do feel weary so often but are renewed by the love of Christ shown to us by our friends and family. And by emails that come exactly at the right time.